saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
