So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
