There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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