When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
