Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
