i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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