I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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