The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
