Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
