was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
