I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
