No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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