help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
