just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
