It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
