No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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