I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
