ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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