My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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