i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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