So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm getting married
To pizza
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
