Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
