i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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