I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
