Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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