Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
