The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
