What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
