He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
