oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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