im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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