The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
