Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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