I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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