Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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