Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
3pm strippers are depressing
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
