Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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