I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
