i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
