Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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