did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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