I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
