According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
