Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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