I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
