I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
