I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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