Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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