i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
