Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
