I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
