Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
