I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
