his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
