I CAN MOONWALK!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
