yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
cat food counts as protein by the way
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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