I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
nutella sex= disaster
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
