the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Someone stole a lamp last night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
