i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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