I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
