I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
